Entry tags:

angst, sam/jack

This to Regret (PG)

He grew to hate her for those simple words.

“We can’t go home, sir.”

Jack could see her around the bend of the river. A tributary of the Nile, Jack had never bothered to learn the name. Learning the name was a sign of accepting. Jack wasn’t accepting.

She had waded into the water up to her waist hiking the cotton wrap she wore into balls of fabric in each hand. If it weren’t for the yellow-gold hair glinting in the sun she would have been identical to the native women gathered around her. They were laughing and smiling as they washed their bundles of clothing.

Jack hated her for that.

She saw him standing on the bank of the river, shielding her eyes from the sun. She waved brightly, droplets of water splashing with the arm movement. He returned the wave slightly but didn’t approach. He couldn’t do it today. Or any day.

He knew Sam had noticed the wall between them. Jack hated that wall. He hated Sam. He hated everything about this damn place.

He pulled his cloak up tightly over his head and walked quickly with his head bowed. He’d learnt the hard way that the Jaffa patrols seemed to find his size and shape alone threatening.

The tent they shared with the others was on the outskirts of town. Sam had said it was safer that way. Remembering that, remembering the reason made Jack angry every time he crossed the threshold. Jack stared around it in disgust before throwing his hands in the air and stalking away to find the others.

The old him might have left a note for her. He hadn’t bothered with that in months. She probably hadn’t noticed or cared.

***

“She is right, you know, Jack,” Daniel said. Jack had found him in the basement with Teal’c checking weapons. That seemed to be what they did every afternoon. There was nothing else to do in this godforsaken place.

“She’s always right,” Jack muttered in response. He picked up a zat from the pile the locals had pilfered from the Jaffa training camp. He began checking it as Daniel started shaking his head.

“That’s why you like her, Jack. Hell that’s why we all like her.”

Jack didn’t look up from the weapon. “If you agree with her why are you helping me and Teal’c with this?”

Daniel shrugged. “Because I think you’re right too. We know there’s going to be a rebellion. Us being involved won’t change the timeline.” He gave Jack a long steady look. “And I think Sam would understand that if we told her.”

Jack was just starting to shake his head in vehement denial when there was a cough behind them. It contained the hint of a voice that Jack knew almost as well as his own. “Yes. She would.”

“You followed me,” he said accusingly. He looked across to Daniel who was staring, open mouthed at the doorway.

He turned and saw her standing there, anger warring with hurt on her face. “When were you guys gonna let me in on this?”

***

She was still angry hours later, sitting outside of the tent staring up at the sky. She hadn’t really said much just listened to the plan and nodded before heading off to have dinner with yet another group of locals. Daniel made friends everywhere he went. Even Teal’c had a group of young men in the little village who hung on his every word.
Only Jack was alone.

He was used to having her.

She shifted slightly as he sat down next to her in the sand but she didn’t turn her head, didn’t make a sound of acknowledgement.

They sat in silence until Jack could stand it no longer. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

“No you’re not,” she replied quickly, her eyes still on the stars.

Jack bristled. “I said it, didn’t I?”

She laughed wryly. He could feel her shoulders shaking. “You didn’t mean it, Jack. You’re mad at me. It’s ok, I’m kind of mad at me too. Not that it changes the situation.”

There was another long silence. “I’m sorry,” Jack finally repeated.

“I know.”

“I didn’t tell you because I thought you’d disapprove. I didn’t tell you because it was the wrong thing to do and I didn’t want you to be disappointed with me.”

She’d turned towards him now, the whites of her eyes gleaming dimly in the light from the moon.

Jack swallowed. Even here, where none of it mattered any more he still couldn’t say it without feeling the fear. “I didn’t tell you because I’m pretty sure this is going to end badly and I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

She fumbled in the dark and then her hand was closing over his.

“Jack, you have to learn to trust me.”

***

Trusting her should be easy.

He’d slept beside her under a thousand different constellations. She’s covered his back as they’d literally been to hell and back.

Trusting her used to be as easy as breathing. Easier.

Loving her used to be easier than that.

These days all he seemed to find was hate.

Now that Sam knew the plan, it got harder and harder. Before Jack had the sanctuary of the stockpile.

Now she was everywhere.

Daniel and Teal’c were happy. He could sense the relief pouring off them in waves whenever Sam was in the room. Sam set to the plan with her typical drive. She bettered it easily and obviously with only the most minor modifications. She stood in the candle light nightly and looked born to the role of revolutionary. Her excitement was infectious. Daniel, Teal’c and the local guerrillas begin to wear it too.

Jack would have been lying if he didn’t admit to some relief. It was right to have her back with them. They were a team. A foursome.

He just couldn’t share everyone’s optimism.

Sam had proved that she was no longer a talisman against disaster.

***

The night before the attack he came on her suddenly. The sky was dark, too dark to see, but he knew her by feel.

“We have to stop meeting like this,” he said, the joke tasting like ash on his tongue.

She breathed out slowly. “You said that you loved me once,” she said quietly.

“I did,” Jack acknowledged simply. There was no other answer to give.

“Could you love me again?”

Jack stared up at the unfamiliar stars. He wished he knew the answer.

***

The attack was a mess.

Someone had betrayed them to Ra.

Jack knew that he should be finding someone to blame but he had more immediate concerns. Like survival. His survival, of course, but as always he was more worried about his people. His team.

And her.

Always her.

He ducked through the halls of the pyramid weaving his way through the smoke and red flares of staff weapons. He had already called the evacuation, but he sure as hell wasn’t leaving without his team.

He rounded a corner, a stolen staff weapon slung under his arm, and saw her.

She was lying on the floor of the pyramid, her body completely askew, like a rag doll. Smoke was still rising in wisps from the hole in her chest.

Jack didn’t pause for thought. He simply reacted. Within only the space of a breath he was by her side, holding her in his arms where she always should have been.

He cradled her body, feeling the life ebb out of her as fast as the blood seeping over his fingers.

“I never stopped,” he said desperately, finally.

Her lifeless eyes stared through him, unhearing.

Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so ~ David Grayson